INCITE
Incite -- (v) 1: give an incentive; 2: provoke or stir up; "incite a riot"; 3: urge on; cause to act
Wednesday, April 14, 2004

 
A Fantastic Idea, if I Do Say So Myself
Written by: Answerman

As many of you know, John Kerry is searching for a running mate. And I have the perfect person in mind: Saddam Hussein.

Yes, I know Hussein was not born in the United States and is therefore, under a strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution, unable to serve as vice-president or president. But I'm sure Kerry could find, pay, or blow some liberal judge out there willing to decide that there is no such birth requirement, under a penumbra, an emanation, or something like that. The Constitution is a living and breathing doctrine, after all, as noted constitutional scholar and Harvard C student Al Gore lectured us a few years ago.

Anyway, forget about the law, as Democrats do. Hussein would make a perfect vice-president under Kerry. For one thing, he has much more executive and foreign policy experience than Kerry does, which would shore up one of Kerry's perceived weaknesses. Second, just like Kerry fought in Vietnam and is therefore really neat and special and manly, Hussein has fought in several wars. Moreover, unlike Kerry and the rest of the Democrat party, Hussein is not a wuss; he has repeatedly demonstrated his willingness to take risks and use force in order to act in what he perceives are the national interests of his country.

Let's not forget that Hussein is brown-skinned. This always seems to be an important character trait that Democrats emphasize.

In addition, Hussein's supporters have almost as much of a rational Bush-hatred animating them as Kerry's have an irrational one. Almost.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, Hussein has real potential as a vote-getter in postmodern, multicultural America. Given the number of our states populated by hordes of anti-American foreigners, and given the fact that Hussein is anti-American and a foreigner, I am quite certain he could help Kerry carry California, New Mexico, Illinois, Michigan, the District of Columbia, and perhaps even Florida. In short, Saddam could be an electoral gold mine.

Of course, I forgot to mention one important factor that makes this such an attractive idea for Kerry, who once attended a meeting of 60s jackasses discussing which U.S. senators they planned to assassinate -- Hussein agrees with Kerry on damn near every foreign policy issue of importance to this year's presidential election.

It's a match made in heaven. I even have a bumper sticker idea that would establish a subtle link in voters' minds back to the Clinton/Gore era -- "Kerry/Hussein: Still Feelin' Your Pain."



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