Written by: Beck

Perhaps you're beginning to notice a theme? John Kerry has missed 80% of votes in the Senate, and showing up late to one Tuesday, whined and cried and bitched and moaned when he missed a chance to vote on an issue he'd already missed past votes for. Apparently there's a vast right-wing conspiracy to prevent John Kerry from casting votes in the Senate.

"But oh, no," Kerry said at the fund-raiser. "Oh, no. Not in this Senate, not with these people. Once again, it's my way or the highway, shut the door, lock the people out, don't let them take part in the democracy, don't respect the institution. Don't show the common courtesies that actually bring people together to find the common ground. So they found a way all day to twiddle their thumbs, do very little, attend a reception at the White House, but not let John Kerry vote.

Kerry then stamped his feet, shouted, "Bush is a meanie-pants-poopy-head!" and began crying for his mommy. Aides were quick to rush up on stage and hand Kerry his binky, soothing the irritable and clearly colicky man from Massachusetts. Asked to comment, mystified Republican leaders asked, "Is this guy for real? And people actually take him seriously!?"