Written by: Beck

Get a grip people. Seriously. You already long since missed the clue train, but you've still got a chance to at least retain your sanity.

Elections Administrator Robert Parten said Monday that anyone sporting a Cowboys logo at an Arlington voting site will be told to cover up their allegiance to the team if they want to cast a ballot.

He said he ordered the prohibition because of a provision on the Arlington ballot that asks whether taxpayers should help pay for a $650 million Cowboys stadium in their city.

"Anytime you go into a polling place and what you're wearing shows something that's on the ballot, that's electioneering," Gayle Hamilton, assistant elections administrator for Tarrant County, said.

State law prohibits voters at the polls with clothing, jewelry or badges that promote or denounce a candidate or proposition on a ballot.

Robert Parten, I officially declare you to be a moron. As you are clearly in need of assistance in the performance of your job, I've provided you with a simple primer:

• Shirt that reads, "Legalize Pot:" Electioneering


• Shirt that reads, "Marijuana, it's not just for breakfast anymore:" Not Electioneering


• Shirt that reads, "No blood for oil:" Electioneering


• Shirt that reads, "More blood for vampires:" Not electioneering


• Shirt that reads, "Vote for the proposition to build the Cowboys a new stadium:" Electioneering


• Dallas Cowboys Jersey: Not electioneering, it's just a (horribly misguided) football fan wearing a goddamned shirt. Do you actually think the sight of a Dallas Cowboys football jersey is going to influence someone's vote? Frankly, this asinine policy is more likely to impact voter behavior than anything else. Incidentally, anyone whose vote can be influenced by a football jersey doesn't deserve to vote. Of course, the same goes for anyone who's a Dallas Cowboys fan, but for completely different reasons

And now, time for the lightening round! Woman's shorts with "Keep Your Hands Off My Bush:" Answer: ambiguous. To determine, grab woman by the crotch. If she reacts angrily, the slogan was a reference to her pubic region. If she does not react angrily, the slogan was clearly a reference to the President, and thus constitutes electioneering. Inform the woman that she must remove her shorts immediately.