Written by: Beck

There's a new threat facing our nation, especially our nation's youth, and it's time the government did something about it. You've heard about the obesity crisis, the dangers of tobacco and second-hand smoke, how guns cause crime, and the unimaginable danger of riding a bicycle without a helmet. But I bet you haven't heard about how dangerous one particular item--one you likely have sitting around your home, completely unguarded--can be to you, your family, and the American Way of Life.

It's time the word got out about the new enemy: Bread!
Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

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12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Write your Senator! Alert your Congressman! Stop the presses, call your lawyer, and prepare to join in the biggest class-action lawsuit in history as we finally put the demonic corporate bread cabal out of business and in to jail where these criminals belong!

(Hat tip: Samizdata)