Written by: Beck

8. Grueling thirty-hour work week doesn't leave enough time to brood.

5. Someone tawt he taw a German.

After seven nights of riots by youth in predominantly-Muslim sections of Paris, French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin (who is a man) announced today that police would pull out of areas where dozens of cars burn each night to, "let the freedom-fighting insurgents govern themselves."

"All we need's a Committee, a Benefits Plan!
The kind that has softened Frinch, woman and man!
We'll give them all Pensions! We'll give them all Cake!
And government jobs--they can be on the Take!
Some Graft! Some Free Food! And Six Weeks Vacation!
We'll give them the keys to our whole Frinchy Nation!
And leftover Vouchers For Oil From Iraq
We'll load them all up in this oversized sack!"

Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement cafes at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.

Former French matinee idol Pepe Le Pew was among the hundreds injured last night amid violent feline rioting in the impoverished Parisian suburb of Dans-le-Crappeur. Le Pew, 58, a former Warner Brothers studio actor turned Chirac government spokes-skunk, sustained severe scratches and concussions in the melee before nose-pin equipped EMT rescue squads could drag him to safety. He is expected to make a full recovery.